Monday, September 29, 2008
Friday, September 26, 2008
Preschool and Guilt
Today is the last day of Kate's 5th week of preschool. While the initial transition was a bit hard (honestly, for me as much as her), I think that she really enjoys school and feels really grown up to say that she goes to "school."
Every day, we get one of those daycare papers they fill out to let you know what they did during the day, what they ate and how many times they went to the bathroom. Anyway, Kate always needs to "read" me her "paper" every day when I pick her up. She'll point to the portion that in fact, says that she had a wet diaper at 10 AM and 3 PM, tried to sit on the potty at 12 PM and pooped once and proudly says "It says right here that I go to school. I sing songs and play with kids and I am happy at my school." This makes me feel happy too, until days like today when she wailed uncontrollably when I dropped her off. Paul is usually the one who drops her off but he had to be at work early so I brought her today and brought her an hour or so earlier than she usually gets there, so maybe that's why she was so upset. Anyway, I felt awful walking away with her screaming. And guilty.
A few weeks ago, one of my co-workers said jokingly that it seemed like my life was ruled by guilt (I must have been saying I felt guilty about something). I'm pretty sure he was joking and I replied that I blamed the problem on my Catholic upbringing (and can I mention the guilt I feel at being a fallen Catholic? Despite the fact that I know rationally that the reason I am a fallen Catholic is that I'm not that keen on Catholicism - or that I want to sleep in on Sunday, the only day when that is possible - you take your pick.) Anyway, I think my co-worker was on to something. I am ruled by guilt. I think maybe all moms are. I feel guilty when I am at work and leave at 3:30 every day when there's still work to be done. Then I feel guilty when I am back on e-mail at home doing that work in the evening when Kate wants to play with me.
One of my biggest wishes for Kate is that she doesn't grow up to be ruled by guilt (I figure she has a fighting chance of this because even though she has half of my anxiety-ridden genes, she is also half Paul).
She said something funny last night that is actually seeming applicable here. I was reheating some macaroni and cheese for her for dinner (see the guilt? it wasn't even fresh macaroni and cheese - it was reheated - in the microwave - probably in one of those BPA-ridden plastic bowls). Anyway, I was putting the bowl in the microwave and I dropped it and macaroni and cheese when everywhere. I must have screamed because I heard Kate yelling from the table "Mama, what happened?" I told her I spilled her dinner and she replied,"Oh, these things happen. You have to just wipe it up." So I guess I could just take my own child's advice that sometimes, things just fall apart and there's nothing that can be done about it but to wipe it up and move on....
Every day, we get one of those daycare papers they fill out to let you know what they did during the day, what they ate and how many times they went to the bathroom. Anyway, Kate always needs to "read" me her "paper" every day when I pick her up. She'll point to the portion that in fact, says that she had a wet diaper at 10 AM and 3 PM, tried to sit on the potty at 12 PM and pooped once and proudly says "It says right here that I go to school. I sing songs and play with kids and I am happy at my school." This makes me feel happy too, until days like today when she wailed uncontrollably when I dropped her off. Paul is usually the one who drops her off but he had to be at work early so I brought her today and brought her an hour or so earlier than she usually gets there, so maybe that's why she was so upset. Anyway, I felt awful walking away with her screaming. And guilty.
A few weeks ago, one of my co-workers said jokingly that it seemed like my life was ruled by guilt (I must have been saying I felt guilty about something). I'm pretty sure he was joking and I replied that I blamed the problem on my Catholic upbringing (and can I mention the guilt I feel at being a fallen Catholic? Despite the fact that I know rationally that the reason I am a fallen Catholic is that I'm not that keen on Catholicism - or that I want to sleep in on Sunday, the only day when that is possible - you take your pick.) Anyway, I think my co-worker was on to something. I am ruled by guilt. I think maybe all moms are. I feel guilty when I am at work and leave at 3:30 every day when there's still work to be done. Then I feel guilty when I am back on e-mail at home doing that work in the evening when Kate wants to play with me.
One of my biggest wishes for Kate is that she doesn't grow up to be ruled by guilt (I figure she has a fighting chance of this because even though she has half of my anxiety-ridden genes, she is also half Paul).
She said something funny last night that is actually seeming applicable here. I was reheating some macaroni and cheese for her for dinner (see the guilt? it wasn't even fresh macaroni and cheese - it was reheated - in the microwave - probably in one of those BPA-ridden plastic bowls). Anyway, I was putting the bowl in the microwave and I dropped it and macaroni and cheese when everywhere. I must have screamed because I heard Kate yelling from the table "Mama, what happened?" I told her I spilled her dinner and she replied,"Oh, these things happen. You have to just wipe it up." So I guess I could just take my own child's advice that sometimes, things just fall apart and there's nothing that can be done about it but to wipe it up and move on....
Friday, September 19, 2008
I'm Tired
I'm tired. Pretty much all of the time. And if I'm so tired with only one child and one full time job that allows me to have a fairly flexible schedule (I work 7-3:30 so I can pick up Kate from daycare by 4:30 at the latest and most weeks, I can work from home one day a week), I have no idea how I think I can have another child. And yet, we 100% want to have another child and given that we always said we'd like to have kids about 3 years apart, that would mean thinking about getting pregnant again now, or in reality, about 1.5 years ago, considering how not easy it is for us to actually get pregnant...
And I am insanely jealous of my friends who have the option of working part time or even not at all - I'm not even sure if I'd choose that if I had the option, but damn it, I'd like it to be an option. I am also insanely jealous of my friends (and frankly, my brothers too) who have parents who live close by and bring over diapers and clothes and toys for their kids and babysit for free and take them out to dinner. I know in my rational mind that my parents would do that too if we lived near them, but we don't and so in all 100% honesty, I'm jealous. And I'm tired.
And then I wonder, does Kate even notice that Paul and I split our schedules so that she is in daycare the least amount of time possible for having 2 parents who are both working daytime full time jobs or does she really not care and maybe I can stop getting up at 4:15 AM every day to get to the gym before getting to work by 7 AM?
I know this is cranky and whiny, but that's how I feel....
And I am insanely jealous of my friends who have the option of working part time or even not at all - I'm not even sure if I'd choose that if I had the option, but damn it, I'd like it to be an option. I am also insanely jealous of my friends (and frankly, my brothers too) who have parents who live close by and bring over diapers and clothes and toys for their kids and babysit for free and take them out to dinner. I know in my rational mind that my parents would do that too if we lived near them, but we don't and so in all 100% honesty, I'm jealous. And I'm tired.
And then I wonder, does Kate even notice that Paul and I split our schedules so that she is in daycare the least amount of time possible for having 2 parents who are both working daytime full time jobs or does she really not care and maybe I can stop getting up at 4:15 AM every day to get to the gym before getting to work by 7 AM?
I know this is cranky and whiny, but that's how I feel....
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
Home
Paul, Kate and I spent our vacation this summer at a beach house on Lake Michigan with my family. The house was beautiful, the weather was great, Lake Michigan is gorgeous as always, and it was great to be with family, but I came to the somewhat bittersweet realization that Michigan does not feel like home to me anymore.
I've been in the DC area for 7 years now. The traffic is awful, the cost of living is ridiculous, but the minute we turned onto the Capital Beltway after a 10 hour plus drive home from Michigan, I felt "I'm home." I don't know what to do with that feeling. We've always said we would eventually move back there - after I finished my fellowship, after we had a child, and on and on. I know that Paul would move back in a second if I said I would, which makes this all the more complicated.
For now, I'm home - in the sweltering humidity, smog and 60 minutes to drive 10 miles.
I've been in the DC area for 7 years now. The traffic is awful, the cost of living is ridiculous, but the minute we turned onto the Capital Beltway after a 10 hour plus drive home from Michigan, I felt "I'm home." I don't know what to do with that feeling. We've always said we would eventually move back there - after I finished my fellowship, after we had a child, and on and on. I know that Paul would move back in a second if I said I would, which makes this all the more complicated.
For now, I'm home - in the sweltering humidity, smog and 60 minutes to drive 10 miles.
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